Lonely Addiction

The blood drained from his face as a tingling sensation overwhelmed him. He sank down onto the staircase, his left hand gripping the railing, his other holding his forehead as he hung his head. He couldn’t breathe. Every breath he took caught in his throat and could only escape in a drawn out shaky exhale. His insides clenched in a painful knot that felt like a knife twisting inside him. There was no relief except not to breathe, not to allow himself to take in the one thing keeping him alive. He whispered no to himself over and over, every now and then forced to take in and release a breath, triggering the stabbing pain within. The phone beside him on the steps rang out as if mocking him, its high pitched sound and low vibration intensifying the pain he felt. This wasn’t supposed to happen! Not with her. No amount of sorry’s could fix this. His phone continued to vibrate, but he ignored it knowing it wasn’t what he wanted to hear. 

He had once been a charmer, effortlessly weaving his way into the hearts of women with his wit and warmth. He enjoyed the attention, relishing in the thrill of dating multiple women at once. His life was a whirlwind of dinners, movies, and whispered promises, each woman believing she held a unique place in his heart.

Among them was Claire, with her infectious laughter and sharp intellect; Emily, with her gentle kindness and artistic soul; and Sophia, with her adventurous spirit and love for travel. He juggled their affections skillfully, never letting any of them suspect the existence of the others.

But as the years passed so did his charm and good looks. What had once been easy had turned difficult. Winning his way into a woman’s bed became more of an effort than he liked to give, and the women dropped off, moving on to other men to develop serious relationships. Most of them had families now, had children. Some even had grandchildren. 

Days turned to weeks, to months, to years. He immersed himself in work, trying to distract himself from the loneliness that lingered. He gazed down from the top of the staircase to his empty house. No laughter of children would ever fill these walls, no woman would ever warm his bed again, and no family would ever be his. 

His phone continued to vibrate, news and sports notifications filling the emptiness of his screen. Another woman from a dating app had rejected his advances. It was becoming a common occurrence. When he was young women were easier, more naive and willing to do things for an attractive man. All he had to do was reassure them of their beauty, make them feel special, take them out, make them feel safe, then they’d give him what he wanted. There were a few exceptions, but it almost always worked. 

And now his life flashed before him as having been for nothing. No one to love, nothing to show for his life. All he had was his diagnosis and shattered heart as he pitied himself in his soulless place that never felt like home.  He calmed himself, took a deep breath, and told himself to try one more time. It was always one more time. But one more time turned into more than he could count. He opened the dating app, a small smile playing on his lips. If he could just get one more…